What the F*ck were the Pilgrims Thinking?

History Lesson

And no, I don't mean what were they thinking wearing belts on their hats or what were they thinking sewing women in burlap sacks when they slept in the same bed as a man or what were they thinking when they saw the ugliest bird and thought, "Damn, that turkey will probably taste pretty good."  I'm talking about what the f*ck were they thinking landing at Plymouth Rock on NOVEMBER 21 (yes, that's right, they freaking landed in the middle of winter) and deciding, "Hey, I'm freezing my butt off.  Let's plant a flag."  After a brief search on Wikipedia, which is the gospel in this guy's book, I learned that the Pilgrims were debating between Virginia and, get this, Guyana, which is 5° N LATITUDE (spitting distance from the equator).  So rather than establishing the longest inhabited English settlement in the tropics, they decided to aim for Virgina.  Well, they couldn't even get that right.  Rather than landing in Virginia, which has a record low of -10° F, they landed in Massachusetts, which has a record low of -22° F.  Now, you might think that 12° F is not a big temperature swing, but tell that to my boys downstairs.  For reference, examine the following effects in a reduction of body temperature:

"Normal body temperature of course, is 98.6.  Shivering and the sensation of cold can begin when the body temperature lowers to approximately 96.5.  Amnesia can begin to set in at approximately 94, unconsciousness at 86 and death at approximately 79 degrees."

That's right, 12° colder and your body shuts down and you go into a coma.  You know those statistics are credible because they come from United States Search and Rescue Task Force, which was established by the President and they have a little red phone with a direct line to both Washington AND Moscow (citation needed).  Also, the website has the following image:

That's, right, a water-skiing Godzilla, the most feared of all Godzilla's.  But, now back to my main point, the pilgrims are freaking idiots for settling in such cold weather.

Personal Experience

Although I don't live quite as far north as Massachusetts, it still gets pretty cold here in Philadelphia.  I have a 20 minute drive to and from work everyday.  Even after warming my car up for 5 minutes in the garage this morning (as a side note, when you warm your car up in the garage, you might want to open the door.  I was getting high/dying a little bit from the carbon monoxide), my car's engine still only climbed 1 notch on the temperature dial during the drive.  A car's engine, which typically combusts at 1508° F, couldn't even warm up in this weather after 25 minutes.  On the way to work, I was driving 65mph down the I-676, when out of no where, a gigantic pothole emerged and swallowed my left front tire.  By the shear grace of the man upstairs, my car was sparred any damage, but the next quarter mile was like driving through downtown Baghdad after the US invaded, potholes everywhere.  Before the deep freeze last week, these potholes were non-existant.  Tucson, I have finally found a place with worse roads.  And before that deep freeze, the same merciful God that decided to spare my car thought it would be hilarious to dump a record 23.2" on this fair city.  The roads were so bad that the city had to strap on make-shift snowplows onto the front of dump-trucks because those were the only vehicles that could still move once everything was said and done.  After that snow pounding and deep freeze, I decided that I needed to get out of Philly for a bit and traveled to sunny San Diego (which will have its own blog, once I get all the pictures from my friends so I can recap the shenanigans Hangover style).  I turned my heat off because I was going to be gone for 4 days.  When I came back, the inside of my house was 37°.  THIRTY-SEVEN DEGREES!!!  Aparently there are sensors on modern refrigerators that regulate when both the fridge and the freezer comes on.  My house was so cold that my refrigerator decided it too would take a vacation and turned itself off.  When I opened up my freezer door after I got back, all my ice was melted and came splashing out.  Besides mopping up my thawed out ice, the freaking 37° temp caused me to lose meat that I had in the fridge.

As you can see, I really hate the cold, but there is one saving grace; the homeless are no longer begging money outside the gas stations.

~Normal Guy

Cut Your Losses While You Still Can

Why does seem that every bad movie starts out the same way...BAD?  I just wasted 2 hours of my life by watching The Marine on my TiVo.  Why might you ask?  Solely for the reason that I had already watched the first 5 minutes and I was "committed".  If this was a singularity, then I could probably overlook the fact that this was hands down the worst movie ever made, but then I started thinking, there are so many things in life that we should just "cut our losses on".  Below is my feable attempt to document them:

Bad Movies

Of course this made the list (it was in my opening).  Just because a studio wasted their time, a director wasted his time (and yes, the director of almost all bad movies are male), and dozens of actors wasted their time doesn't mean, as a viewer, you should waste your time.  First, you need to realize that with the current price of tickets, studios have enough extra money to spend on "venture" films (read between the lines, crappy movies).  For every good movie a studio puts out, there are 17.3 bad movies they put out.  Trust me on the numbers, I own a TI-89.  Next, the director, which, as I pointed out, is a man.  Now, don't take this the wrong way and think that I'm chauvinistic and think that all directors are men, but when the entire plot revolves around guns, muscles, explosions, and wet T-shirts, then I feel pretty confident that the director is a male.  Remember all those boys in school that wanted to be a famous actor when they grew up, but made fart sounds with their hands and referred to breasts as "boobies" while giggling at the same time?  Well, you just met the director.  As for the actors, not everyone can be a multi-million dollar star.  I could go on about this point, but I think I have driven home the point that Bad Movies should be turned off after the 5 minute preview and you should "cut your loss".

2am Drunk Texts

You know exactly what I'm talking about, those texts that require your index finger and one eye closed to complete.  I know you think you're Shakespeare when you hit the send button, but unless you want to make it on textsfromlastnight.com, then I suggest you just turn the phone off.  Chances are that if you don't already have a hook-up either at the bar or a sure thing back home, a member of the opposite sex isn't going to say, "Damn, I thought that John/Jane Doe was just average 4 hours ago, but after that text, well, I think I want to bring him/her home to my parents."  And okay, let's say on the off chance you have selected a "winner" out of your phonebook (and yes, that is "winner" in quotes because lets face it, you'll end up like Barry in Beerfest wanting just a "little slap n' pickle"), what's next?  By the time you finally make it back, you will under-perform so bad that not even the pterodactyl of a hookup will want you call again.  Most likely, your name will be changed to "Mistake John" or "DNA (do not answer) Jane".  If the "hookup" isn't a pterodactyl and is actually quite attractive, try inviting the "hookup" out to the bars next and, I don't know, try using your personality.  If it is worth it, close the phone, hit end, turn the power off and "cut your loss".

Picking Your Nose in Public

There are several reasons why your Id wants to go ahead and mine for gold like a '49, but it is not worth it.  First off, there is always another person around (not that I know from experience...I just, um, have, um, a friend, yeah that will work).  You can be one of two people in your cubicle farm with the other employee several cubicals away with their back to you, but as soon as you extend that first finger and make a B-line to the nose, a silent alarm goes off alerting those nearby to look in your direction.  If for some reason you make a clean entrance, it is not a simple Smash 'n Grab.  Most likely, you're going to have to do a little digging to get that booger out.  Well, you might be saying "Normal Guy, I'm a master.  I've been doing this for at least a dozen years and I am like a ninja."  Okay, you made it in, you got the treasure, and you extracted it without being noticed.  Now what?  You gotta dispose of it.  You can do the traditional under the desk/chair method.  That works great if it is your first time, but the problem with public nose picking is that it is a disease; you cannot do it just once, rather, you become addicted.  So the first one goes unnoticed, then the second one is clean, and so on, but when do you stop?  Okay, you don't go for the traditional wipe, but you would rather do the more dangerous flick.  It doesn't matter if you are Brett Favre with your accuracy, you will inevitably have an off flick and it will land in the most awkward place.  So therefore, next time you want to pick your nose in public, stop, take a bathroom break, and do us all a favor and "cut your loss".

Singing in the Car

Now maybe I should change this "Singing in the Car like an Idiot".  I love singing in the car, but since I have 4 "walls" and roof over my head, I use my indoor voice and leave the seizuring out of it.  Head banging, raised hands, and all out belting of lyrics at the top of your lungs should be saved for when you're at a concert, not when you have 2,000 lbs of metal barreling 75 mph down the interstate 5 feet from me.  Well, what if you're stopped at a red light?  Great point, but the same Idiot rule still applies: head still, hands down, and mouth barely moving.  If you don't, then I will point, stare, and if my iPhone is handy, take a picture.  To save yourself the embarrassment, you should just "cut your loss".

Forcing Catch Phrases in the Wrong Context

Just because you thought of an "awesome" catch phrase that you think will catch on like a conflagration doesn't mean you should or need to use it in every situation.  Yeah, you probably are a smart person and, in fact, you and your friends probably have come up with a pretty cool sayings (I know I have...NBD, That's What She Said, Liability), but if overused, then there is a chance that it will backfire and, in fact, not be funny.  Or worse yet, people will think you're an idiot for not even knowing the appropriate context to use your own catch phrase.  Also, if you have come up with a catch phrase with one group of friends, its probably because you shared a common experience around that phrase.  This does not mean that other people will appreciate it or even get it.  So, if you have a funny, inside saying with some friends, use it with those friends; don't try to force it down my throat or else there is a chance I just might vomit it back into your face.  With that said, when forcing a catch phrase, you should just "cut your loss" (wait, Cut...Your...Loss, crap.  I knew I should have taken my own advice before writing this blog).

~Normal Guy

First Blog!!!

Wow, that has to be the most original title of someone's first blog, ever...PERIOD. But, in all seriousness, this is my first blog. Before you start reading this, you'll probably want to know why I am starting a blog, but I want to lay out some ground rules first for you.

1. I have ADHD (well, had, not sure if it's curable, so I still use it as an excuse for everything). Because of this, I will try to keep my blogs short. I hate reading those blogs that are excessively long (BTW, I am going to break this rule for this first blog).
2. I have a nasty mouth and tend to say whatever is on my mind. However, I realize that people don't necessarily want this on a blog, so, while I won't necessarily keep it "Family Friendly", I will keep it suitable for work. If I ever post anything that is Not-Suitable-For-Work, I will post NSFW...get it, the acronym is the first letter of each word in the tagline Not-Suitable-For-Work! (I know there is at least one person out there that has seen this before and didn't know what it stood for, so I decided to give you a free knowledge point AND you didn't even have to raise your hand to ask a question).
3. I will always try to have a point, albeit not necessarily a good one, to my blog posts. You can thank Facebook for giving me an outlet to my pointless posts.
4. I am a political person. I am a democrat. I am proud of it. I WILL NEVER POST ANYTHING POLITICAL AGAIN.
5. I really hope you subscribe to this via Google Reader, or any other RSS feed, because I don't want to be blogging for no reason.
6. Comments and suggestions are always welcome, but please don't make them personal, unless you intend to hurt my feelings, in which case, personalize away (p.s., I have resolved this New Years to only cry once a day, so if you already see a hurtful comment, please wait until 12:01am to post your thoughts).

With those simple ground rules, mostly for me so I keep on point, time for my first journey into the Blog-o-Sphere. Hold on, this could be a bumpy ride. So, I am starting this blog because I have been thinking for awhile, if d-bags can have a blog, why can't I. I have been using Facebook status updates to accomplish this blogging desire since the status update inception, but earlier today, I got the final One-Two push to start this blog.

ONE

I was the first person to comment on my own status update. Now, I know that I have some regulars that follow my updates and I have absolutely no expectation that they will comment on every, or any, updates that I post, but since this is not the first time that I have been the first person to comment on my post, I figured it was time for me to begin this little guy.

TWO

One of my good friends, AR, suggested this would be a good idea, and by suggested, I mean that this person fueled my egomaniac tendencies enough for me to think this is a good idea. Now, I know everyone is thinking, "Awe, how cute, I am doing this because a girl gave me a compliment and told me I would be good at this." Unfortunately, the "A" in AR doesn't stand for Amanda or Alice or Ali or...well, you get the point. In the most heterosexual way possible, I started this blog because a dude told me to.

So, now that I have my first blog done, I will probably be flooding this space in the next couple days/weeks with more rambling, but hopefully it will be relevant, and if not, at least bring a smile to your face.

~Normal Guy