What the F*ck were the Pilgrims Thinking?

History Lesson

And no, I don't mean what were they thinking wearing belts on their hats or what were they thinking sewing women in burlap sacks when they slept in the same bed as a man or what were they thinking when they saw the ugliest bird and thought, "Damn, that turkey will probably taste pretty good."  I'm talking about what the f*ck were they thinking landing at Plymouth Rock on NOVEMBER 21 (yes, that's right, they freaking landed in the middle of winter) and deciding, "Hey, I'm freezing my butt off.  Let's plant a flag."  After a brief search on Wikipedia, which is the gospel in this guy's book, I learned that the Pilgrims were debating between Virginia and, get this, Guyana, which is 5° N LATITUDE (spitting distance from the equator).  So rather than establishing the longest inhabited English settlement in the tropics, they decided to aim for Virgina.  Well, they couldn't even get that right.  Rather than landing in Virginia, which has a record low of -10° F, they landed in Massachusetts, which has a record low of -22° F.  Now, you might think that 12° F is not a big temperature swing, but tell that to my boys downstairs.  For reference, examine the following effects in a reduction of body temperature:

"Normal body temperature of course, is 98.6.  Shivering and the sensation of cold can begin when the body temperature lowers to approximately 96.5.  Amnesia can begin to set in at approximately 94, unconsciousness at 86 and death at approximately 79 degrees."

That's right, 12° colder and your body shuts down and you go into a coma.  You know those statistics are credible because they come from United States Search and Rescue Task Force, which was established by the President and they have a little red phone with a direct line to both Washington AND Moscow (citation needed).  Also, the website has the following image:

That's, right, a water-skiing Godzilla, the most feared of all Godzilla's.  But, now back to my main point, the pilgrims are freaking idiots for settling in such cold weather.

Personal Experience

Although I don't live quite as far north as Massachusetts, it still gets pretty cold here in Philadelphia.  I have a 20 minute drive to and from work everyday.  Even after warming my car up for 5 minutes in the garage this morning (as a side note, when you warm your car up in the garage, you might want to open the door.  I was getting high/dying a little bit from the carbon monoxide), my car's engine still only climbed 1 notch on the temperature dial during the drive.  A car's engine, which typically combusts at 1508° F, couldn't even warm up in this weather after 25 minutes.  On the way to work, I was driving 65mph down the I-676, when out of no where, a gigantic pothole emerged and swallowed my left front tire.  By the shear grace of the man upstairs, my car was sparred any damage, but the next quarter mile was like driving through downtown Baghdad after the US invaded, potholes everywhere.  Before the deep freeze last week, these potholes were non-existant.  Tucson, I have finally found a place with worse roads.  And before that deep freeze, the same merciful God that decided to spare my car thought it would be hilarious to dump a record 23.2" on this fair city.  The roads were so bad that the city had to strap on make-shift snowplows onto the front of dump-trucks because those were the only vehicles that could still move once everything was said and done.  After that snow pounding and deep freeze, I decided that I needed to get out of Philly for a bit and traveled to sunny San Diego (which will have its own blog, once I get all the pictures from my friends so I can recap the shenanigans Hangover style).  I turned my heat off because I was going to be gone for 4 days.  When I came back, the inside of my house was 37°.  THIRTY-SEVEN DEGREES!!!  Aparently there are sensors on modern refrigerators that regulate when both the fridge and the freezer comes on.  My house was so cold that my refrigerator decided it too would take a vacation and turned itself off.  When I opened up my freezer door after I got back, all my ice was melted and came splashing out.  Besides mopping up my thawed out ice, the freaking 37° temp caused me to lose meat that I had in the fridge.

As you can see, I really hate the cold, but there is one saving grace; the homeless are no longer begging money outside the gas stations.

~Normal Guy