Why does seem that every bad movie starts out the same way...BAD? I just wasted 2 hours of my life by watching The Marine on my TiVo. Why might you ask? Solely for the reason that I had already watched the first 5 minutes and I was "committed". If this was a singularity, then I could probably overlook the fact that this was hands down the worst movie ever made, but then I started thinking, there are so many things in life that we should just "cut our losses on". Below is my feable attempt to document them:
Bad Movies
Of course this made the list (it was in my opening). Just because a studio wasted their time, a director wasted his time (and yes, the director of almost all bad movies are male), and dozens of actors wasted their time doesn't mean, as a viewer, you should waste your time. First, you need to realize that with the current price of tickets, studios have enough extra money to spend on "venture" films (read between the lines, crappy movies). For every good movie a studio puts out, there are 17.3 bad movies they put out. Trust me on the numbers, I own a TI-89. Next, the director, which, as I pointed out, is a man. Now, don't take this the wrong way and think that I'm chauvinistic and think that all directors are men, but when the entire plot revolves around guns, muscles, explosions, and wet T-shirts, then I feel pretty confident that the director is a male. Remember all those boys in school that wanted to be a famous actor when they grew up, but made fart sounds with their hands and referred to breasts as "boobies" while giggling at the same time? Well, you just met the director. As for the actors, not everyone can be a multi-million dollar star. I could go on about this point, but I think I have driven home the point that Bad Movies should be turned off after the 5 minute preview and you should "cut your loss".
2am Drunk Texts
You know exactly what I'm talking about, those texts that require your index finger and one eye closed to complete. I know you think you're Shakespeare when you hit the send button, but unless you want to make it on textsfromlastnight.com, then I suggest you just turn the phone off. Chances are that if you don't already have a hook-up either at the bar or a sure thing back home, a member of the opposite sex isn't going to say, "Damn, I thought that John/Jane Doe was just average 4 hours ago, but after that text, well, I think I want to bring him/her home to my parents." And okay, let's say on the off chance you have selected a "winner" out of your phonebook (and yes, that is "winner" in quotes because lets face it, you'll end up like Barry in Beerfest wanting just a "little slap n' pickle"), what's next? By the time you finally make it back, you will under-perform so bad that not even the pterodactyl of a hookup will want you call again. Most likely, your name will be changed to "Mistake John" or "DNA (do not answer) Jane". If the "hookup" isn't a pterodactyl and is actually quite attractive, try inviting the "hookup" out to the bars next and, I don't know, try using your personality. If it is worth it, close the phone, hit end, turn the power off and "cut your loss".
Picking Your Nose in Public
There are several reasons why your Id wants to go ahead and mine for gold like a '49, but it is not worth it. First off, there is always another person around (not that I know from experience...I just, um, have, um, a friend, yeah that will work). You can be one of two people in your cubicle farm with the other employee several cubicals away with their back to you, but as soon as you extend that first finger and make a B-line to the nose, a silent alarm goes off alerting those nearby to look in your direction. If for some reason you make a clean entrance, it is not a simple Smash 'n Grab. Most likely, you're going to have to do a little digging to get that booger out. Well, you might be saying "Normal Guy, I'm a master. I've been doing this for at least a dozen years and I am like a ninja." Okay, you made it in, you got the treasure, and you extracted it without being noticed. Now what? You gotta dispose of it. You can do the traditional under the desk/chair method. That works great if it is your first time, but the problem with public nose picking is that it is a disease; you cannot do it just once, rather, you become addicted. So the first one goes unnoticed, then the second one is clean, and so on, but when do you stop? Okay, you don't go for the traditional wipe, but you would rather do the more dangerous flick. It doesn't matter if you are Brett Favre with your accuracy, you will inevitably have an off flick and it will land in the most awkward place. So therefore, next time you want to pick your nose in public, stop, take a bathroom break, and do us all a favor and "cut your loss".
Singing in the Car
Now maybe I should change this "Singing in the Car like an Idiot". I love singing in the car, but since I have 4 "walls" and roof over my head, I use my indoor voice and leave the seizuring out of it. Head banging, raised hands, and all out belting of lyrics at the top of your lungs should be saved for when you're at a concert, not when you have 2,000 lbs of metal barreling 75 mph down the interstate 5 feet from me. Well, what if you're stopped at a red light? Great point, but the same Idiot rule still applies: head still, hands down, and mouth barely moving. If you don't, then I will point, stare, and if my iPhone is handy, take a picture. To save yourself the embarrassment, you should just "cut your loss".
Forcing Catch Phrases in the Wrong Context
Just because you thought of an "awesome" catch phrase that you think will catch on like a conflagration doesn't mean you should or need to use it in every situation. Yeah, you probably are a smart person and, in fact, you and your friends probably have come up with a pretty cool sayings (I know I have...NBD, That's What She Said, Liability), but if overused, then there is a chance that it will backfire and, in fact, not be funny. Or worse yet, people will think you're an idiot for not even knowing the appropriate context to use your own catch phrase. Also, if you have come up with a catch phrase with one group of friends, its probably because you shared a common experience around that phrase. This does not mean that other people will appreciate it or even get it. So, if you have a funny, inside saying with some friends, use it with those friends; don't try to force it down my throat or else there is a chance I just might vomit it back into your face. With that said, when forcing a catch phrase, you should just "cut your loss" (wait, Cut...Your...Loss, crap. I knew I should have taken my own advice before writing this blog).
~Normal Guy
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